Forgiving the Fathers

This post is dedicated to Tron. Antron’s broken heart was palpable in Oprah’s special on The Exhonerated Five “When They See Us, Now.” If you have not seen it, please watch on the OWN app. Tron states that he has never forgiven his father for the role he played in his wrongful conviction in telling Tron to give a false confession. Also, his father abandoned him and his mother when they needed him the most. Tron states in thd interview with Oprah that he hates his father to this day. Tron held his head down with the weight of the anger and bitterness he is carrying. It has kept him by his own admission from enjoying anything he has gained since the acquittal including his wife and six children. What can we learn from Tron’s life? The power of forgiveness. Tron’s testimony put forgiveness in the spotlight.

It sounds cliche but what we can see from this example is that Forgiveness is truly for you and not the other person. Tron’s father, we assume from the miniseries, is dead. He does not need, or some would argue deserve, forgiveness. But another meme I read says unforgiveness is like daily drinking poison intended to kill someone else. Forgiveness is not about fairness. Was it fair that Tron’s father’s in fear for his own safety would pressure his son to say he did something he didn’t? Or that his shame and guilt led him to abandon his family in the middle of the trial? Or that his testimony probably did nore for the prosecution than it did for the defense? No! Forgiveness is not about fairness. Rather, forgiveness is about doing exactly what When They See Us tries to do: seeing the humanity of the one who caused you pain. It doesn’t minimize or mitigate the pain: you have every right to feel the way you do. The key is you can feel the pain and still forgive.

So what does forgiveness and Fatherhood have to do with us? We may not wear our pain on our sleeves at apl times, but I’ll never forget the time I was talking to a male friend from High School about who knows what when he said, “You still got Daddy issues?” That moment is inscribed in my mind. I was a thirty-something year old Divorced mother of multiple children and once again I was reduced to a black girl with Daddy issues. There are some things I’ve forgiven, and some I still hold old to. For me forgiveness has been a process. I find so much of myself in reaponses today to my Facebook post: “What have you learned from your Father?”

“Unfortunately absolutely NOTHING!”

The feeling of neglect taught to be consistent in my kid's life...

“How to live without him but also how to forgive him and heal.”

“What did I learn from my dad.. hm. How to fully forgive.. not because he personally taught me... but because it’s something I couldn’t truly offer him (though I never met him) until I was about 21.

Also that, there are reasons for everything, and sometimes I may not learn the reason or UNDERSTAND it until years later...”

“But despite all I TRULY LEARNED that most people really don't hurt because they like to or because they hate you,  they are honestly doing too you what's been done or taught to them. I thank God for his healing, redemption,  I am whole!“

And many more comments in between. For those who experienced the absence of a Father, I encouraged them to think about the lessons learned by their Fathers absence. How that created the person that  they became today. But I understand the struggle. Those who posted about the road to freedom and healing included FORGIVENESS! It was confirmation for what I was considering writing in this post.

Minister Kimbrough when speaking today at Mt Zion Missionary Baptist Church said his wife loved him unconditionally especially when he didn’t deserve it and by doing so showed him God’s love. So it is not in our human nature to forgive, it is in our God nature to forgive. We have  to dig down deep to find our higher selves to forgive our Fathers for the things they did in their presence or absence. In releasing the bitterness and pain we have been holding on to we free ourselves to learn lessons that the pain brought and experience freedom to love and live and in the Words of my beautiful Facebook friend: BE WHOLE!